Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Mid Life Marriage Musings

As a young girl, one of my most cherished dreams was that of an ideal marriage and the joys of motherhood. Believing every bit of the fairy tales I grew up reading, I knew Prince Charming would appear in due course. One only had to be a good girl like Rapunzel, Thumbelina, Cinderella to deserve one!  This vision of a perfect life was demolished cruelly at the age of 28. My husband was not what I had imagined him to be. The crashing of my dreams was devastating. The solitude even more painful.

Not just the loss of companionship but also that I won't be a mother was terrifying. All my friends were bearing babies and posting cute cuddly pictures of their chubby infants.  Pangs of envy and self pity would ever so often consume me. As my biological clock ticked away, the desperation got even more intense. I was willing to make compromises as long as the comfort of being ‘attached’ and the promise of children was provided. I signed up on very possible dating portal in the hope that something would click soon. Anyone who was even remotely amiable seemed like a possibility. I had strange conversations with people and I kept assuring myself that in the larger scheme of things, a few aberrations were acceptable. But destiny kept prolonging the wait. The more I pined for it, the more it eluded me.

I don’t know at what point I gave up and reconciled to my circumstances. As other aspects of my life took centre stage- my career, classical dance, community work, social life; marriage and motherhood got relegated to the background. I learnt to savour the freedom of singledom, even chuckling with excitement to not have the trappings of family responsibilities that my friends complained of. Engagement with children came through my NGO, DEEP Foundation. DEEP works on inculcating life skills for children from lesser served backgrounds. When someone asks me about how many kids I have, I proudly say 55! As a ‘maasi’ to my friends’ children I love being their confidante and mentor. These cherished moments continue to nourish my maternal instinct completely.

Four years ago, when I was least expecting or wanting any change in my life, I was introduced to someone who fitted my fairy tale hero image. His calm and compassionate demeanour was alluring. I became aware of what I had been missing all these years- the comfort of care and companionship. I felt the weight of the fiercely independent streak I was wearing with vanity; drop with a thud. The thought of knowing that someone has your back was soothing. With no cloud of desperation looming over me, I took my time to get to know him better. At this stage in our lives, it wasn't going to be a bed of roses. Massive disagreements, annoying habits, personality variances tested our relationship to the hilt. But slowly and surely we learnt to negotiate and navigate our differences. As life coaches, we had no option but to put to use all the frameworks we have been trained on! We carefully evaluated our paradigms on relationship, learnt a new way of communicating our desires and irritants and crafted a vision as a couple. This helped us immensely when we were ready to tie the knot for a second time in February 2020. 

In the last 2 decades, experience and perhaps maturity have brought to light illuminating insights. 

a)      When the jigsaw puzzle doesn't fit naturally, Step back: There is no ‘right time’ for anything in life. It is right when it feels so. Sometimes pressing the pause button on critical decisions is much better idea than forcing it to happen. Slowing down helped me pay attention to subtler messages in my environment, those that helped me either pursue or withdraw from a prospective relationship. The gnawing unease when something's not right even though you can't articulate it, synchronicity of events, a surge of strong emotions; were pointers that found place in my decision making process. 

b)     Do I know what I'm seeking?   Would someone with a fat pay check but no emotional sensitivity fit the bill? Or someone who's an adept diaper changing daddy but not so ambitious? Or perhaps someone who regales me with his wit and humour but believes strongly in preserving traditional gender roles? What was I willing to negotiate  and what would be a deal breaker? Taking time to evaluate these qualities took a long time. In the process I got to meet myself- I realized I was following a socially acceptable paradigm of relationships which didn't fit with my list of wants and desires. Two decades ago, my checklist just stopped short at good looks, a stable job, fluency in English and a top of the line college degree. Such a contrast to my current ask of alignment in values, vulnerability quotient, emotional intelligence, childhood role models.  

c)      Self growth interventions: As a coach and with the several investment in personal transformation programs, I can clearly see how my perspectives have seen a dramatic transformation.  Strong judgments held earlier have been discarded, replaced with an acceptability of diverse views. A careful observation and analysis of the layers of my personality has definitely helped in building a flexible approach to situations. The narrow critical approach has given way to a wide angle viewing lens- bringing more possibilities (and prospects too!) into the fray than before. 

If the wisdom of what I have today was available to me earlier, the probability of striking right the first time round might have been higher. A generation ago, domestic roles were starkly demarcated across gender; leaving little room for conflict. With expectation shifting towards a balance of roles, there is greater pressure on relationships to sustain themselves. We may want to question our  reliance on social beliefs that marriages are made in heaven and fate decides the choice of a partner. Perhaps its time for us to acquire a changed mindset , learn practical skills for connection and adaptation. With some conscious effort we may be better prepared to engineer our relationships to work for us. 

 

 

Aparna Mathur is a leadership coach and co founder of Growing Leadership of Women (www.glowforall.com) She believes that a family, anchored around the woman as the primary caregiver is a fundamental unit that enables joyful communities and successful corporations. Her husband, a fellow coach and she are launching a webinar series on acquiring a Mindset for Marriage. If this interests you do write in to aparna94@gmail.com

  


Monday, June 1, 2020

Lessons in Leadership- Reflections as an RWA member


In the last two years as a member of the resident welfare association (RWA) of my condominium, I have been privy to several highs and lows in its functioning. As a team we have battled several challenges with possibly more incidents of despair than cheer. It’s a perfect testing ground to assess one’s leadership skills- of decision making, team building, emotional resilience, communication. If you thought the corporate world was tough, this one will make it pale in comparison. Maybe HR heads should check in on an RWA experience to assess the leadership potential of a candidate!

How do you get a random group of very diverse people to work with no established hierarchy, nor remuneration to come together for a cause that’s selfless?  This article is an exploration of what are the basic building blocks that would help such a group to work effectively as a unit.
It turns out that the answers lie in lessons of leadership that we hear so often in our corporate circles.

Building a team: One hoped that as the group got busy in the deluge of responsibilities, it would somehow organize itself to function as a well oiled machine. Given that human behaviour is more complex, this needs to be designed by conscious and sustained effort . The work goes beyond pleasantries to understanding each one’s background, context, eccentricities, inner motivations so as to connect at a deeper level. For the enormity of the tasks that are undertaken, trust based on strong connections becomes paramount. Its naïve to expect a blanket sanction of trust at the outset. With little emotional glue to bind us, skirmishes of varying intensities were bound to happen.

Aligning to our Purpose: The answer to the big ‘why’. Why am I here and what’s in it for me? Given that this is a thankless responsibility to bear, what’s going to be my payoff? This may invite a question mark, since on the face of it everyone’s purpose seems obvious. Fuzzy and abstract as it may sound, the responses can be very layered offering a greater opportunity for members to be aligned towards the overall group objective E.g One may look at his contribution on setting a process where the reliance on singular decision making is minimized. Someone else may want to leverage their professional skills in running the affairs of the condominium. For some a desire to stay busy would be of significance. In a curious discovery of every member’s orientation of purpose, power and passion; a stronger bond can be forged as a unit to take on a mammoth task that lies before us. 

Conflict handling: Conflicts are natural and to an extent dissent is very healthy for the functioning of a team. Our working edicts speak very little of how disagreements in a group should be navigated. Many of the issues are either left simmering below the surface or live in the hope of it being resolved by another. This is a skill needed not just for the team to work efficiently but also to deal with the barrage of complaints that pour in from unforgiving residents. Since difficult conversations are not surfaced the pool of engaged members keeps shrinking as the others sit on the fence looking at everything with a critical eye. 

 Shared decision making: Keeping accountability intact, critical projects like exterior building maintenance, fire safety upgradation, response to covid are best handled when more people are involved. Shared decision making with resident subject matter expertise; mitigates the risks involved with such decisions; especially since many of the projects were being undertaken for the first time. It’s a great way to take the pressure off the RWA, not to mention allowing for transparency; a constant ask by most residents.

No matter what the objective and how noble the intent, the role of these behavioural aspects cannot be undermined for any team. One may argue that with time constraints this kind of alignment or training may be a luxury. However its benefits outweigh its demand on our time and benefit. Perhaps its time, even bye laws of society get modified to include this in their guidelines.



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