Tough Love- The Changing face of Corporates

 

“When you come to office, you should keep your personal matters behind” I remember being told by my manager as a young sales professional almost 2 decades ago. Your manager never asked you about your personal life, as it was unprofessional and intrusive. Running a personal errand or moping about something back home during office hours, was frowned upon. Every hour at work was precious and those who separated their domestic responsibilities from their professional ones received much admiration. My father missed not a day at work when my mother was ailing and didn’t reveal any of his anxiety. His colleagues who learnt much later of her condition, publicly applauded him for being so dedicated and ‘professional’.

Over the years the definition of professionalism has seen a sea change. Our personal lives which were out of bounds till now are actively welcomed without denting one’s professional image.

Pictures of diaper changing CEO daddies receive the maximum likes and comments as they reveal a more real person behind the title.

It’s perfectly ‘professional’ to interrupt a strategy meeting to take Big Basket deliveries at the door.

It’s alright to be choked with emotion when speaking about the loss of a dear colleague.

Several studies by academic institutions such as Harvard extol the virtues of subtler yet sterling qualities such as empathy, compassion, authenticity in the making of a great leader, a leader of our times. https://hbr.org/2020/10/todays-leaders-need-vulnerability-not-bravado If you are a number crunching leader with no tender bone, you are not likely to be high on the popularity charts.

Up until a few years ago, meditation and other such practices were seen as spiritual and fuzzy stuff outside the ambit of corporate lingo. Effective trainings were those that were designed based on well researched western psychological frameworks. In recent times, mindfulness practices are strongly advocated by senior leaders, many of whom are skilled practitioners.  

What we are witnessing is a heartening change whose time has come. The tough and competitive work culture is softening to reveal its humane and compassionate side. Qualities such as risk taking, problem solving, high achievement are a routine expectation. Leaders who can co hold these with softer, more feminine qualities such as compassion, inclusion, humility, empathy, will be the ones sought after.

As the demarcations between home and work fade, more employees will seek personal comfort and professional fulfilment from their work spaces.  Increasingly leaders will be compelled to shape organizational cultures that promote inclusion, empathy, individual fulfilment; while pursuing business imperatives. They need to be profit driven and people focussed, competitive and caring, drive innovation and be inclusive.

It would be prudent to keep in mind that manifesting these qualities needs conscious and sustained effort. This balance of co holding seemingly divergent qualities, that are masculine and feminine; is not easy to come by. There are many leaders who are struggling to make this transition. A young colleague from a legal firm complained how ruthless her boss had been when it came to taking leave for her husband’s covid treatment. To quote her- “he said he understood my plight, but also expected that deliverables get met. I am under a lot of pressure now and I don’t think he gets me.” Being empathic is not a skill acquired based on cognitive thinking. It’s a transformative process that arises out of deep self-exploration.

Organizations that are committed to the power of personal transformation in its senior leadership will leverage its undeniable advantage in the way they run their business. They will be tough in their strategic pursuits but also compassionate in their people orientation. In keeping with the times, they would be exemplary examples of a more holistic definition of professionalism.

 

 

The magical power of deep conversations

 Last week I was on vacation with a very dear friend and her teenage daughter. I introduced them to a ‘Confessions Game’- a deck of cards on money, relationships, family and career. The person rolling the dice, answers a question on the card that she picks. The questions were bold and made you reflect deeply on aspects of your life that you may not have revealed to yourself, let alone the world. 'How would you say your parents have damaged you?', 

'Whose contribution in your life has not received its due?' 'Talk about a time when you had been selfish in a close relationship.' There were interesting revelations that we made, some hesitatingly and some quite openly. I was apprehensive about introducing this contemplative activity on a vacation which was supposed to be high energy, but was pleasantly surprised to see how it appealed equally to a 50 and a 17 year old.

So what about this simple game fascinated us?

Our minds are flooded with a multitude of thoughts and feelings- some pleasant and some frightening. The turmoil in our external world has only compounded the state of our inner world. The fear of impending death, loss of a job, the loneliness- the chaotic clutter has its pulls and pressures. In placing them out there, we are lessening the burden of holding it in our minds. A spring cleaning of thoughts and emotions that have been buried in the recesses of our mind, hanging heavy. Vulnerable sharing of our past, particularly our childhood has a certain liberating quality to it. Critiquing our parents’ style of parenting, is not something that’s common or encouraged. Yet in this reflective objective evaluation, we redeem a part of ourselves. The smoothing of the frayed edges is soothing.

“Everyone communicates, few connect.” this statement by John Maxwell, stands out as a stark reminder of our lives in the recent past. An inability to comprehend the embroils of our mind, the hesitation in voicing our discomfiting feelings; has led to stress and anxiety. A growing sense of isolation and solitude is an obvious by product of pent up emotions. Such an irony in times where our lives are getting invaded by new communication technology and social media platforms!

When we share uninhibitedly , carefully examining what makes us who we are, we feel healed and collected.  The hurt caused by betrayal, the guilt of a broken relationship, the crashing of dreams and desires– is yearning for release. With all that’s getting accumulated within, the need to have adequate support groups where there is safety in letting our guard down; is becoming a pressing need.  I see many around me getting crushed under its colossal weight of unresolved thoughts and feelings, leading to ill health both physical and psychological.  They try desperately to put up a façade of normalcy, denying the whirlwind of unsettling emotions that rages within.

As a conversation starter, this game was the perfect medium to dive deep within. My friend and I had a candid threadbare discussion on an argument we had a day earlier. We got to the source of what triggered us and what we need to be mindful of in future. Mother and daughter surprised each other with their perspectives, taking their relationship a notch deeper. My reservations about my friends’ likes, an assumption that this game would be dismissed as ‘too serious or heavy’ was busted all too quickly.

Many of us spend time on social media speaking about what’s going right in our lives. And that’s just a miniscule part of who we are.  In our effort to uphold a social image of having everything under control, we quell our weak and tender side. We need to consciously keep identifying people within our network who we can turn to, to rediscover, redeem and re align ourselves. Coaches, friends, family need to be sought out as our support circle.

When we choose this for ourselves, we are wise not weak.

2020- A year to remember

 I can’t recall any other year, where the polarity of life’s dimensions have been so stark.  As a year that has been universally classified as difficult and stressful, the minimalist lifestyles added an alluring simplicity and contentment. Even while fear was rampant, we were filled with gratitude for the privileges we so often take for granted. Even as the physical interactions were minimized, I found myself engaging in deeper conversations- not just with folks in my circle but also with myself. Despite the restrictions on movement , the fitness regime intensified. Yoga, walking and my dance routines provided the burst of oxytocins while keeping me agile.

The EUM ( Existential Universe Mapper) is a powerful profiling tool used for self awareness and organization development initiatives. I am attempting to review the year gone by through this lens for 2 reasons: One because I have devoted considerable time this year in understanding its tenets and its nuances. Secondly 2020 has been a year when several existential questions have been posed before us, so it seemed only right to map myself on these fundamental aspects of the human psyche. 

 

• Universe of Belonging and Protection (UBP): The first 3 months of a full lock down turned out to be such a blessing. Time which in my mind was always in short supply suddenly stretched itself to include all that's warm and comforting in its embrace. Watching a treasure flower go from bud to full bloom in under an hour, delectable food experimentations, poring over old letters and reliving sepia tinted memories captured in photo albums. There was time and space to fully savour these soul nourishing activities. In February, Nelson and I decided to formalize our relationship of 3 years. The celebratory mood filled my home and friends and family got together to have the time of our lives. With a full house, it looked every bit a 'shaadi ka ghar.' The kitchen was running round the clock catering to everyone's tastes, all the 'gaddas' and linen were pulled out, music and conversations had the house buzzing. Soon after the lockdown separated us in two cities. I was able to get to Bangalore after 3 months. Crossword, cooking and conversations over umpteen cups of masala chai gave us much cheer in these times. This was the first time I was spending so much time with Nelson, his daughter and his mother. I had apprehensions of how it would turn out but the time spent together only strengthened the bonds. A few moments of exasperation are an exception that I am happy to let go off! As someone who’s comfort space is the home, there was something very therapeutic about spending such long stretches of time tucked into favourite corners of both my homes. Being safe at home from the menacing world outside, was reassuring. 

• Universe of Strength and Desire (USD) : This has been my Achilles heel till now but I think 2020 saw the lifting of the veil on this one. I find myself speaking alot more about what I want- whether its on the work or on a personal level. With age I have come to unapologetically express my desires- I have become more acutely aware of this in my marriage. Authentic communication whether unpleasant or complimentary has been the mainstay of our relationship. What I want to enhance in the coming year, is  visibility wrt to promotion of GLOW’s work. 

‘Rasa nubhava’ was experienced in ample measure too. A plenitude of scintillating dance performances, dance film reviews, BIC talks fuelled my creative spirit. This year I was introduced to the magical world of Kabir through Shabnam Virmani’s soulful renditions.  Not to mention the joy in decorating my home in Bangalore. The touch of colour and warmth added by lamps, paintings, linen, plants. Re starting my dance classes was another highlight of 2020. Online classes were unthinkable till a few months ago. The rigor of not just practice but also vocal music and theory is a space where I completely lose myself.

• Universe of Roles and Boundaries (URB): In my new avtaar as a wife, a step mother and a daughter in law, I am proud of how I eased into each of these roles without much fuss. Despite the travel restrictions, I am happy to have divided my responsibilities suitably in both my homes. 

• Universe of Purpose and Achievement (UPA): None of the tangible goals at GLOW (www.glowforall.com) were achieved. While this was a let down, the circumstances challenged me into doing what had been unthinkable till now. That of preparing full fledged programs online. The excellent feedback received was reward enough for the hours that went into content preparation. The research on a ‘Mindset for Marriage’ was heartening and I’m hoping Nelson and I are able to run several impactful coaching sessions for millennial couples starting their life together. In a pandemic year, a few unexpected remunerative engagements dropped like manna from the heavens!

• Universe of Meaning and Intimacy ( UMI): At the start of the lockdown, the migrant labour situation was deeply disturbing. I felt very guilty about sitting indoors enjoying a life of privilege while millions suffered for basic food and lodging. Even though it was a small effort, I am happy to have assisted Gurgaon Nagrik Ekta Maanch in providing food and rations to the needy. Later in the year, Gayatri’s admission to college and listening to her speak excitedly about online college life; was fulfilling. This year at GLOW foundation we commenced our 3rd cohort of the mentoring journey with 17 bright and aspiring college girls. A small drop in the ocean but definitely a step in the right direction. 

• Universe of Duality and Simultaneity (UDS): The year ended with a thought provoking read on dharma, titled ‘Maryada’ by Arshia Sattar. A few aspects that stayed with me and will guide my action when in a dilemma. 1) The quest is in asking the right questions rather than being obsessed with arriving at the ‘right’ solutions. Dharma is ‘sukshama’ and needs to be evolved rather than follow it as an edict.  I have earlier chided myself for not taking a definitive stance on any matter and for running the risk of being seen as wishy washy. I have come to appreciate my own balanced view ( as opposed to a unifocal one) whether its politics, child rearing, marital relationships, attitude towards work. 2) Arriving at dharma is when ‘svadharma’ aligns with ‘sanatan dharma.’When what serves me also serves a larger good, I am living my dharma. This sits well as a guideline when making a decision from multiple options that presents itself in every situation. 

The goals of life, 'kama’, ‘artha’ and ‘dharma’ were fulfilled in reasonably good measure, this year. So despite the apocalyptic nature of 2020, I am filled with gratitude for all that it has offered.