As a young girl, one of my most
cherished dreams was that of an ideal marriage and the joys of motherhood. Believing
every bit of the fairy tales I grew up reading, I knew Prince Charming would
appear in due course. One only had to be a good girl like Rapunzel, Thumbelina,
Cinderella to deserve one! This vision
of a perfect life was demolished cruelly at the age of 28. My
husband was not what I had imagined him to be. The crashing of my dreams was
devastating. The solitude even more painful.
Not just the loss of companionship but also that I won't be a mother was terrifying. All my friends were bearing
babies and posting cute cuddly pictures of their chubby infants. Pangs of envy and self pity would ever so often consume me. As
my biological clock ticked away, the desperation got even more intense. I was
willing to make compromises as long as the comfort of being ‘attached’ and the
promise of children was provided. I signed up on very possible dating portal in
the hope that something would click soon. Anyone who was even remotely amiable
seemed like a possibility. I had strange conversations with people and I kept
assuring myself that in the larger scheme of things, a few aberrations were
acceptable. But destiny kept prolonging the wait. The more I pined for it, the
more it eluded me.
I don’t know at what point I gave
up and reconciled to my circumstances. As other aspects of my life took centre stage- my career, classical dance, community work, social life; marriage and motherhood got relegated to the background. I learnt to
savour the freedom of singledom, even chuckling with excitement to not have the
trappings of family responsibilities that my friends complained of. Engagement
with children came through my NGO, DEEP Foundation. DEEP
works on inculcating life skills for children from lesser served backgrounds.
When someone asks me about how many kids I have, I proudly say 55! As a
‘maasi’ to my friends’ children I love being their confidante and mentor. These cherished moments continue to nourish my maternal instinct completely.
Four years ago, when I was least
expecting or wanting any change in my life, I was introduced to someone who
fitted my fairy tale hero image. His calm and compassionate demeanour was
alluring. I became aware of what I had been missing all these years- the
comfort of care and companionship. I felt the weight of the fiercely independent
streak I was wearing with vanity; drop with a thud. The thought of knowing that
someone has your back was soothing. With no cloud of desperation looming over
me, I took my time to get to know him better. At this stage in our lives, it wasn't going to be a bed of roses. Massive disagreements, annoying habits, personality variances tested our relationship to the hilt. But slowly and surely we learnt to negotiate and navigate our differences. As life coaches, we had no option but to put to use all the frameworks we have been trained on! We carefully evaluated our paradigms on relationship, learnt a new way of communicating our desires and irritants and crafted a vision as a couple. This helped us immensely when we were ready to tie the knot for a second time in February 2020.
In the last 2 decades, experience and perhaps maturity have brought to light illuminating insights.
a) When
the jigsaw puzzle doesn't fit naturally, Step back: There is no ‘right time’ for anything in life. It is
right when it feels so. Sometimes pressing the pause button on critical
decisions is much better idea than forcing it to happen. Slowing
down helped me pay attention to subtler messages in my environment, those that helped me either pursue or withdraw from a prospective relationship. The gnawing
unease when something's not right even though you can't articulate it, synchronicity of events, a
surge of strong emotions; were pointers that found place in my decision making process.
b) Do I know what I'm seeking? Would someone with a fat pay check but no emotional sensitivity fit the bill? Or someone who's an adept diaper changing daddy but not so ambitious? Or perhaps someone who regales me with his wit and humour but believes strongly in preserving traditional gender roles? What was I willing to negotiate and what would be a deal breaker? Taking time to evaluate these qualities took a long time. In the process I got to meet myself- I realized I was following a socially acceptable paradigm of relationships which didn't fit with my list of wants and desires. Two decades ago, my checklist just stopped short at good looks, a stable job, fluency in English and a top of the line college degree. Such a contrast to my current ask of alignment in values, vulnerability quotient, emotional intelligence, childhood role models.
c) Self growth interventions: As a coach and with the several investment in personal transformation programs, I can clearly see how my perspectives have seen a dramatic transformation. Strong judgments held earlier have been discarded, replaced with an acceptability of diverse views. A careful observation and analysis of the layers of my personality has definitely helped in building a flexible approach to situations. The narrow critical approach has given way to a wide angle viewing lens- bringing more possibilities (and prospects too!) into the fray than before.
If the wisdom of what I have today was available to me earlier, the probability of striking right the first time round might have been higher. A generation ago, domestic roles were starkly demarcated across gender; leaving little room for conflict. With expectation shifting towards a balance of roles, there is greater pressure on relationships to sustain themselves. We may want to question our reliance on social beliefs that marriages are made in heaven and fate decides the choice of a partner. Perhaps its time for us to acquire a changed mindset , learn practical skills for connection and adaptation. With some conscious effort we may be better prepared to engineer our relationships to work for us.
Aparna Mathur is
a leadership coach and co founder of Growing Leadership of Women (www.glowforall.com) She believes that a family,
anchored around the woman as the primary caregiver is a fundamental unit that
enables joyful communities and successful corporations. Her husband, a fellow
coach and she are launching a webinar series on acquiring a Mindset for Marriage.
If this interests you do write in to aparna94@gmail.com
